Like Walt Whitman, I Too Contradict Myself

I find myself feeling the exact opposite emotions at the same time as well as thinking the exact opposite thoughts at the same time. The poem “Song of Myself” by Walt Whitman came to mind:

Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)

On Monday I started radiation treatments at Lankenau Hospital. I had to go for a “fitting,” to be sure that each time the rays would go exactly where they had to go. So for about 35-40 minutes I had to stay in an uncomfortable position with my arms above my head, naked above the waist, while three super nice technicians (Justin, Liz and Corinne) positioned me for x-rays and tattoos, as well as other tests to get my position exactly correct. Then Dr Marisa Weiss came in to check things were exactly right and I got my first radiation treatment which hardly took any time at all.

While all this activity is going on around me, I am feeling and thinking all kinds of things:

Radiation is poison and I do not want it in my body/ I so happy I am here getting treatment that  will keep the cancer away

I am scared/ I am brave

I cannot stand this/ I can handle this without a problem

A mastectomy would have been better/ I am glad I did not get a mastectomy

Like I said, I contradict myself.

Then on Tuesday, I go in for my second treatment. Radiation technicians Justin and Corinne are there with Regina and they have to take only one x-ray and the treatment. It is done in a comparative flash. I hardly have any time to think about anything, let alone contradict a thought.

I do not like the idea of radiation, but I do like the idea of a good outcome so I am in for the 35 treatments.