What If…

Not knowing is worse than knowing, I think. I am going tomorrow and the next day to get pre-operation testing- a bone scan, chest x-ray, blood work and an MRI. I came back from our family vacation at the shore by myself to get it done. I am going alone, no need to an interpreter since no one will be giving me results. The results are for the benefit of the surgeon- to see if the ultrasound was accurate, to check if the cancer has spread I imagine. The concept is terrifying. The fact that there are cancer cells growing in my body at this very time is something that I have a very hard time with. I can rationalize that, because of my age, they grow slow, that the tumor is only a centimeter, but I REALLY do not like it in my body and want it out!!

Another thing I am concerned about is what if they do not get it all. Every person I know, living or dead, who had a cancer operation, was told that they got it all. Of course they always try to get it all. but cancer cells must be tricky little bastards- and evasive as hell. Because they pop up later in other organs and places in the body to create havoc.

So now, I am playing what if? What if this and what if that? With what I don’t know and then when I do know I do not think I will ever really know… or at least trust that I know for a long time. 5 years or 10 years… maybe